I think this has been the best month of the entire year; and right here and now, I'm thanking God for it.

Thank you God:

• Thank you for making June go away.
• Thank you for giving me a sister fifteen years ago this month.
• Thank you for letting me know who my roommate for college is.
• Thank you for giving me the perfect roommate, she and I are like a pair of jeans. Perfect.
• Thank you for getting my boss to schedule me for work.
• Thank you for making it rain more than once.
• Thank you for waking me up, and realizing that what I'm going through is real.
• Thank you for being that help I needed.
• Thank you for making me strong enough to pursue a future without it.
• Thank you for having my mom give me that book.
• Thank you for showing me that Bible verse.
• Thank you for settling my stress and fears about college.
• Thank you for helping me clear everything up, now I can focus on the one thing that's important to me.
• Thank you for easing my mind.
• Thank you for not letting me get distracted like that again.
• Thank you for pushing me to let it go.
• Thank you for loving me.

* I think this is actually a holiday, on July 25th. It's not really a holiday, but something celebrated for some food bank organization somewhere. Google it =)

In the past three days I've noticed something - when I was in the summer of my high school years, I dreaded going back to school. Now that it's the summer before college, I couldn't be more excited. I'm actually anxious; and maybe that's because it's something new, a new life kind of. 33 days till I move out to California and become a real student of Vanguard University of Southern California!!

--

Now, to clear some air... I previously stated that I was depressed. Well, I only said that because I couldn't find a word that completely covered the territory in which I'm currently struggling through. I'm not verbal about what makes me struggle, and I don't think I ever will be. I've kept that between myself and God for a small reason. Although my struggles may define who I am, I believe the strength that I have between myself and God is more of a definition of my character. Everyone has their specific struggles with certain areas of life, and I have my own, but rather than defining myself for my struggles - I want to define myself with how I handle them.

I've been working on how to balance Christ and my need to fix my wrongs. I've been depending on his guidance in my time of need for advice, and it's him that I try to please. Not myself. But in the process of finding where that balance is - it seems to others that I'm struggling with depression of sorts. Let them think what they choose, I'm too busy striving to follow the path God has set before me. =)

I have a hard time loving life all the time and being brave all the time. That's it. It's simple.

I've been sitting here for at least fifteen minutes and I can't make what I feel sound good enough to type. But that's as good as it is going to get, and I'm trying my hardest to fix it.